Use Duct Tape
Ladies and gentlemen of the Vonnegut Clone Batch of 2097: Use Duct Tape.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, duct tape would be it. The long-term benefits of duct tape have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own limited experience. Like a good roll of fresh duct tape, I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your leaders. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your leaders unless they've done something so idiotic that they couldn’t outlive their own legend. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of them and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before them and how fabulous they thought they looked. (They are not as fat as you can imagine.) Don't worry about their future. Worry about yours, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve the world population problem by chewing it like tobacco.
Do one thing every day that scares your neighbors.
Sing. Sing ‘Polly Wolly Doodle’. At the top of your lungs. In public restrooms.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Most importantly, keep them submerged and fully oxygenated..
Floss. Floss naked. Floss naked with pride.
To you stem cells out there: sometimes you're a head, sometimes you're a behind. The race is long and, in the end, the telomeres have the last word
Remember your instincts, and forget your upbringing. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old lovers. Throw out molted skin.
Stretch. Stretch limos. Stretch Armstrong.
Be kind to your marbles. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry a genetic likeness of yourself, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have six-toed children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce 40 times, maybe you'll be choking the funky chicken on your 75th birthday. Whatever you do, don't go into the wrong restroom. Your choices are half yours.
Enjoy your hoochy-coochy gland of magic. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Inhale, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Get to know your Mitochondrial DNA. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your collagen. It’s your best link to your past and the most likely to stick you in the future.
Live in New York City once, but leave it before it makes you infertile. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you pregnant. Start in Michigan, and go either way until puberty.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Replicants will multiply. You all will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, down was up, replicants were honest, and a bright light in the eyes meant someone was giving you glasses and not a countdown to a phenobarbital milkshake.
Don't mess around too much with your internal organs or by the time you're 40 you will look like Kurt Vonnegut.
Be careful whose organs you buy, but be a good patient to those who supply them. Organ donation is like fishing trophies. Enjoy fishing it from the disposal, wiping it off, cutting off the fatty stuff and getting it installed right-side up.
But trust me on the duct tape.
~not written by Kurt Vonnegut
Books by Me
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, duct tape would be it. The long-term benefits of duct tape have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own limited experience. Like a good roll of fresh duct tape, I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your leaders. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your leaders unless they've done something so idiotic that they couldn’t outlive their own legend. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of them and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before them and how fabulous they thought they looked. (They are not as fat as you can imagine.) Don't worry about their future. Worry about yours, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve the world population problem by chewing it like tobacco.
Do one thing every day that scares your neighbors.
Sing. Sing ‘Polly Wolly Doodle’. At the top of your lungs. In public restrooms.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Most importantly, keep them submerged and fully oxygenated..
Floss. Floss naked. Floss naked with pride.
To you stem cells out there: sometimes you're a head, sometimes you're a behind. The race is long and, in the end, the telomeres have the last word
Remember your instincts, and forget your upbringing. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old lovers. Throw out molted skin.
Stretch. Stretch limos. Stretch Armstrong.
Be kind to your marbles. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry a genetic likeness of yourself, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have six-toed children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce 40 times, maybe you'll be choking the funky chicken on your 75th birthday. Whatever you do, don't go into the wrong restroom. Your choices are half yours.
Enjoy your hoochy-coochy gland of magic. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Inhale, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Get to know your Mitochondrial DNA. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your collagen. It’s your best link to your past and the most likely to stick you in the future.
Live in New York City once, but leave it before it makes you infertile. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you pregnant. Start in Michigan, and go either way until puberty.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Replicants will multiply. You all will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, down was up, replicants were honest, and a bright light in the eyes meant someone was giving you glasses and not a countdown to a phenobarbital milkshake.
Don't mess around too much with your internal organs or by the time you're 40 you will look like Kurt Vonnegut.
Be careful whose organs you buy, but be a good patient to those who supply them. Organ donation is like fishing trophies. Enjoy fishing it from the disposal, wiping it off, cutting off the fatty stuff and getting it installed right-side up.
But trust me on the duct tape.
~not written by Kurt Vonnegut
Books by Me
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