URGENT ASSISTANCE -posted by freon

Good for a laugh. If you're familiar with the typical Gold Coast scam,
here's some 'supplemental info' that you can pass on to people to further
'inform' them. Sheesh.

--------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Michael A Andaluz
To: danielibe@yahoo.com
Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2002 09:44:39 -0500
Subject: Re: ASSISTANCE

Daniel, as a poor, struggling editor I can only offer editing assistance. Please feel free to use the following instead and you may have more success!


STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

DEAR Sir/Madam,

I am engineer Daniel Ibe, a spam acammer trolling for fax numbers, but posing as an engineer with some bogus federal ministry of petroleum Resources. I bought your email address from a bulk mailing outfit which, like myself, thrives on chokers like you. I told them I needed assistance on some information, although I did not disclose the nature of business to him since it demands absolute secrecy and therefore is transparently criminal to email recipients around the civilized world.

The tiny Republic of benin (not to be confused with Benin, a country with a capital letter as well as a capital city) a country in west africa (not to be confused with West Africa or west Africa, or West africa, three separate and distinct entities which for now we will just call 'more likely') discovered crude oil, black Gold, what cha call Texas Tea, that is - in port-novo (which is of course not actually Port Novo as outlined above). Since they are not members of ORGANIZATION OF PETROLEUM EXPORTING COUNTRY(OPEC) and therefore can't be bigger thieves than ourselves, they told me to cut-and-paste the following nonsense:

'request our assistance through our ministry whose subsidiary is the (NNPC),we were able to assist in drilling and excavating of this black Gold and also spot lifting.'

In other, more sensible words, they thought it would be more discreet to have me email THOUSANDS of peopl WORLDWIDE to deal with their huge secret oil discovery - with excruciatingly painful grammar, no less - instead of sending one damn memo that says 'confidential' on it. Sorry. Those beninites are stupider than dirt.

'As a result of the spot lifting an excess of (us$50.5m)fifty million five hundred thousand united states Dollars was recorded and it is in our favour, my colleagues then decided we should look for an honest and sincere person who would clear responsibility of this amount because the law of our country does not allow civil servants to operate foreign account.'

Again, you can probably tell that the foregoing, SINGLE SENTENCE was cut-and-paste shash that the lowly beninites have forced me to recite verbatim. I don't write this crap - but they told me to tell you, so there it is. The gist is that we're all crooks, and we wanted to find one honest and sincere person to supply a fax number so we can cut to the chase and hook you for some scratch.

Presently the money is safely kept in an escrow account secure from all eyes, including any regulatory commission that would ordinarily salt those eyes with warnings, red flags, scam-alerts, and litigation that would make your head spin off like a loose screw on a Volkswagen's carb.

We shall be meeting with you if you accept to assist us, secondly it would also afford us to know what percentage that will be given to you, for your assistance. If you have any questions please send them off a cliff; we're not customer support.

It will take seven working days to actualize this project and safely transfer into your bank account on our behalf and yourself. Oh, did I say 'into'? Sorry again. I meant 'let me know once it is all right to transfer the money'. Forget I mentioned the direction.

I will appreciate your quick response through my e-mail address, and I am open to further question you may wish to ask in respect of this business transaction. Please kindly send the local non-emergency law enforcement access numbers for your city of residence, so that I may be tracked efficiently and cannot do this to thousands of others.

On second thought please report me directly to the authorities. Someone as criminally stupid as I am deserves the international ridicule, as well as a week in a wooden box with no view.

Best Regards
Daniel 'Solitary Bin Beri Beri Good To Me' Ibe


Complimentary Proofreading - it's an Art.

Freon edits the ConUtopian... for now.