Good for a laugh. If you're familiar with the typical Gold Coast scam,
here's some 'supplemental info' that you can pass on to people to further
'inform' them. Sheesh.
--------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Michael A Andaluz
To:
danielibe@yahoo.comDate: Thu, 21 Feb 2002 09:44:39 -0500
Subject: Re: ASSISTANCE
Daniel, as a poor, struggling editor I can only offer editing assistance.
Please feel free to use the following instead and you may have more
success!
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
DEAR Sir/Madam,
I am engineer Daniel Ibe, a spam acammer trolling for fax numbers, but
posing as an engineer with some bogus federal ministry of petroleum
Resources. I bought your email address from a bulk mailing outfit which,
like myself, thrives on chokers like you. I told them I needed assistance
on some information, although I did not disclose the nature of business
to him since it demands absolute secrecy and therefore is transparently
criminal to email recipients around the civilized world.
The tiny Republic of benin (not to be confused with Benin, a country with
a capital letter as well as a capital city) a country in west africa
(not to be confused with West Africa or west Africa, or West africa,
three separate and distinct entities which for now we will just call
'more likely') discovered crude oil, black Gold, what cha call Texas Tea,
that is - in port-novo (which is of course not actually Port Novo as
outlined above). Since they are not members of ORGANIZATION OF PETROLEUM EXPORTING COUNTRY(OPEC) and therefore can't be bigger thieves than
ourselves, they told me to cut-and-paste the following nonsense:
'request our assistance through our ministry whose subsidiary is the
(NNPC),we were able to assist in drilling and excavating of this black
Gold and also spot lifting.'
In other, more sensible words, they thought it would be more discreet to
have me email THOUSANDS of peopl WORLDWIDE to deal with their huge
secret oil discovery - with excruciatingly painful grammar, no less - instead of sending one damn memo that says 'confidential' on it. Sorry.
Those beninites are stupider than dirt.
'As a result of the spot lifting an excess of (us$50.5m)fifty million five
hundred thousand united states Dollars was recorded and it is in our
favour, my colleagues then decided we should look for an honest and
sincere person who would clear responsibility of this amount because the
law of our country does not allow civil servants to operate foreign
account.
'Again, you can probably tell that the foregoing, SINGLE SENTENCE was
cut-and-paste shash that the lowly beninites have forced me to recite
verbatim. I don't write this crap - but they told me to tell you, so
there it is. The gist is that we're all crooks, and we wanted to find one
honest and sincere person to supply a fax number so we can cut to the
chase and hook you for some scratch.
Presently the money is safely kept in an escrow account secure from all
eyes, including any regulatory commission that would ordinarily salt
those eyes with warnings, red flags, scam-alerts, and litigation that
would make your head spin off like a loose screw on a Volkswagen's carb.
We shall be meeting with you if you accept to assist us, secondly it
would also afford us to know what percentage that will be given to you,
for your assistance. If you have any questions please send them off a
cliff; we're not customer support.
It will take seven working days to actualize this project and safely
transfer into your bank account on our behalf and yourself. Oh, did I say
'into'? Sorry again. I meant 'let me know once it is all right to
transfer the money'. Forget I mentioned the direction.
I will appreciate your quick response through my e-mail address, and I
am open to further question you may wish to ask in respect of this
business transaction. Please kindly send the local non-emergency law
enforcement access numbers for your city of residence, so that I may be
tracked efficiently and cannot do this to thousands of others.
On second thought please report me directly to the authorities. Someone
as criminally stupid as I am deserves the international ridicule, as well
as a week in a wooden box with no view.
Best Regards
Daniel 'Solitary Bin Beri Beri Good To Me' Ibe
Complimentary Proofreading - it's an Art.
Freon edits the ConUtopian... for now.
Labels: essay, special